what do i need?

i would love to say that this first week of a beach-y place (thailand) has been great.

[this pic is for you, mimi. reminds me of your bracelets we always played with!]

but it hasn't.

my insecurities are heightened (motherhood) and my sleep is lacking.

we're in a little hotel room. no big deal. it really isn't.

[in the hallway, waiting on the kids to fall asleep.]

noah's in childcare and hates it. also not a big deal.  it's just the way i'm handling it all. it's the opposite of graceful.

i told my mom that i need a vacation away from myself. and that all i do is fail and fail and fail.

she said "ummm. that's the point, you can't do it."

there's a thought.

she ended the conversation with an "i love you and you are NOT a perfect mom and NOBODY is and that's why we need a savior."

i've been asking God why this week is so hard for me. maybe i just need to realize some things. 

i'll start with my NEED. 

at first i thought it was need for quiet time and space.

no, maybe it's sunshine.

never mind how about reading a good book.

or maybe 2 hotel rooms.

western food?

how about chats with other moms.

i had it all wrong. i need a savior. 

sounds cheesy, but it's never been more real to me.

last month

there may not have been many traditions [anyone else overwhelmed with the list of "50 new traditions to start with your family!" out there?] or family visits or christmas light sight seeing, but there were special times had with good people.

i'll start you off with a little tummy time:

[sweet angel baby is 4 months old]

followed by some forced photos:

[i swore i'd never do this ridiculous bow thing, but there it is]

[my new mama friend's son, jack. which is addie joy's new friend. love this newness.]

then there was some spend the night company:

[a friend whose roommate was out of town, so she stayed with us]

[sam gave noah this little shirt and bear for christmas]

followed by christmas day: looks a little different on this side of the world. took some getting used to, but now i feel like maybe it's the way it should be... welcoming folks in rather than pushing them out. again, i'm getting used to it. i'm definitely not some angel that bakes for hours and stands at our door welcoming people in with a permanent smile on my face.

come to think of it, i never did like that kind anyway.

i'll leave you with a little cleaning from our oldest, most rambunctious child:

so there's our december.