opening up.

[I am opening up a mixture of our lives.

Because some want happy, pretty pictures.

And then some want what's really going on.]

you know that feeling of being stuck? like you're an onion and you have SO many layers that peel away, deeper and deeper to the center, but you can't seem to get there. and you know that there is more. more depth, more being known, more knowing, more of that vulnerable kind of love, more exposure, more enthusiasm and joy. just more life to be had.

But then you feel like you're stuck on the 3rd layer. there's at least 157 more layers to go, but you can't seem to push through even that 3rd one. and what would it take to go to the fourth?

well, that's how i felt from training up until our ten day trip.

[that in between stage]

Knowing i'm supposed to be excited about moving in august.

Knowing i'm supposed to be pressing in to the Lord.

Knowing, knowing, knowing... just not quite living out

my knowledge of what i am "supposed" to feel.

So i just couldn't seem to push through to that yearning to be in east asia, that soaking up every second of life and being thankful for it when anticipating the move.

then it happened and i got a glimpse during TEN days that we were away.

[a family we will be serving with in east asia]

perspective!

it was a flash of purpose. life. joy. sanctification. tears. peace.

All of those things that will be in our next three years in east asia.

i got there [on our ten day trip to visit the city we'll be living in] and the He peeled back that layer. the old is gone and the new has come. the new layer is scary and leaves me vulnerable. at the same time it is refreshing and places me completely on my knees. well, make it my face. let's be honest, it's going to be a bit different this time around. not that cozy hong kong where english is everywhere and velveeta is a ten minute shuttle bus away.

"hard but good" as Scott says.

so there it is. my thoughts from these past two months.

and you know what? maybe i don't make sense, as scott sometimes tells me.

maybe this is jibber jabber.

but maybe someday someone who is surrendering their right now for a soon to come thing will read this and know that there is life to be had on the other side of the unknown.

and it'll be hard but good.

and that deep breath of relief to that someone

will be worth all this jibberish to me.