**although it's what i would have written and wanted for Noah's life and mine, this isn't a cute story about preschool with fun pinterest-y picture ideas of the first day**
[I heard the words this morning… that the cross may just come
before the crown on this one. I’d have no idea how much I needed a word from
him yesterday to truly get through today. He gave it to me. I received it. And
I walked forward.]
Scott, Noah, and I drove our Asian van to the school gate.
Noah and I walked out together to his class. We heard sad screams from every
direction once we entered the school. These Asian kids are used to being with their folks. Every
day. They’re accompanied for nap time and night time. They’re hardly ever
alone. Today marks the first day for most that they’d be dropped off with
people outside of the family. They go from 9-6 every day. Starting the first day. (Noah only goes 3 times a wk from morning until lunch).
I could feel Noah’s tight grip on my shirt as we entered the
building. He was sensing that this wasn’t exactly the school that he had
imagined in his head. This particular day was very rainy. Not a hard rain, just
a constant. As we approached the classroom, I found many parents standing and
sitting around the room with the kids. 30 kids to be exact. There were 3
teachers. The main teacher had a microphone earpiece that had a long
chord, attaching to a hand-sized speaker. She used it constantly, begging the
parents to please leave the kids so they’d stop crying. She lifted the speaker
high in the air to the crowd and up to my face when we talked. It was bizarre.
Some listened,
others stubbornly stood by. I think I was just in shock.
I showed Noah his cubby, the bathroom, and many tables that
had centerpieces of tubs overflowing with toys. He wasn’t interested. He kept
holding my face asking me to please not leave him there. From this point on he
was just begging me not to leave him there. He said all he wants to do is stand
in the rain. I just decided that I couldn’t take it anymore and that maybe I
should try to leave him. So with that, I gave him a hug and walked away. His
scream was so loud that everyone stopped and stared. I started asking people to
stop looking at us and I held Noah. We headed for the door to avoid any further
attention. As the teacher was shoving me out of the door, she told me that it
would be best to go home and not return with Noah that day. Once my feet were
out of the door, she slammed and locked it. I was astonished. “What in the
world? Where do I live? Is this really happening?”
Kids’ hands were clawing the door from the inside as the
parents were toppling over each other on the outside of the door, yelling
through the circled windows carved into the top of the wooden door.
I walked along that wall, down the hallway next to his
classroom, praying with Noah that God would do a miracle and allow Noah to let
me go so he could attend school today. About that time, my friend (Yang Zhou)
and her son (didi) walk up. Noah was so relieved. Now he had a familiar friend.
My friend gets the teacher to open the door so I squeeze by with Noah. All Noah
wants is to be beside his friend all of the time. I make a quick decision to say
bye to Noah and leave while he’s calm with his little friend. I quickly ran out
of the room. Then as I was in line at the front of the school, my friend’s husband
comes up to me saying that Noah has stopped crying. It was indeed a miracle.
I went home and waited.
A couple of hours passed and I came back to the school to
pick up Noah. I knocked and knocked on that door. Finally the guard came. He
said to bang on the door until someone answered. (Don’t tell Scott, but…) I
banged hard my iphone frantically on that door until I heard the lock twisting.
There were so many cries that I couldn’t even tell if noah’s was in there. She
opened the door. I found Noah wandering. The teacher told me that he cried the
entire time and didn’t eat lunch. I didn’t even care. I was just glad to see
him and assure him that I did just as I said I would. I came back for him.
The whole car ride back Noah explained to me how he cried
the entire time. That he even cried my name out of the window but the teacher
shut it. That he cried and then so did didi. That they offered him food
and he said bu yao (don’t want). And also kicked a girl. I explained to him
that everything is okay and that he should treat people well. He assured me
that next time he would try not to cry so that it would keep his friend from doing the same.
I’d say the only thing that got me through this day was a
reminder. This is not about my comfort or my son’s comfort. It’s about God’s glory. My
son is the only little boy in that class with the knowledge of the one true
God. As we have taught him to pray to the only Comforter who can help him and
meet him exactly where he is, he knows that’s how he helps others. To
intercede. My hope is that his little life as the first foreigner at this
school will spread God’s glory throughout. That somehow, God would use this 3 year old to make way for the glory of the Lord.
Oh how I want kingdom eyes to wait and expect and see glory spread.
I wore this necklace that shouts “reckless abandon” today.
It was purposeful. I received it in the mail yesterday and I knew it was for
today. Him reminding me to not let anything get in the way of the object of my
devotion, not even the normalcy of what life of a preschooler “should be” or what I
think is “fair” for what my life should look like.
God reminds me today that I’m not the author of any life.
Not even my own.
He holds the pen.
He grips tight and impresses on my heart His
ways that are higher than mine.
So here I am this afternoon. Gaining.
For what can I lose?
He’s
making His name bigger in me as I become looser with each grip of control and bolder with each YES in Jesus.
