slinkies

remember those? kind of fun, but not really. partly because every time you attempted to bee bop it down the stairs it would end up in a wod of tangles. and tangles are frustrating. to the point of not wanting to even mess with the slinky any more because it takes figuring out the mess that's in it.

sometimes i feel like a slinky. all in a wod and not really even sure how i got to that point.

an example? sure. i love examples too.

so this wod caused me to start asking. asking why it is that i can feel all the sudden like a slinky in the middle of the stairs not being able to push forward any further, and not really understanding how to unravel my tangles. i felt this way in an area of my life that seeps into all other areas of it: knowing Jesus. and how it is i am pursuing Him.

i began asking myself why it is that someone could ask me what i am learning and i could recall nothing from the mornings i spend each day reading. that caused me to ask myself, okay if i don't even know what i'm reading about at the end of each week, then why am i doing it? scary question. because the root of it seems to be out of routine. or out of guilt because that's what i think i'm "supposed to do" every day for one hour a day. and that's gross.

somehow i adopted this mindset that my time spent in seeking the Lord and knowing Jesus is supposed to look a certain way, like a specific cut out. God even started showing me how i was comparing the way that i hear from him with the way that others do. it was an "aha" moment of...

wow. i'm trying to put limitations on the way i know and understand God.

i want to desire my time with Him. not to read out of guilt, or because that is what scott does for ___ amount of time each morning. i want to hear from Him because He is what i need. He is the only thing that can fill me.

it's when i started journaling.

[yay that he is continually doing this.]

that's why i felt so empty. through conversations with the girls that are here with me in HK, i began to understand that He is my Pursuer. He is in everything. He is everywhere that i am. and because He is, it frees me up to know Him out of desire to know Him. i praise Him that i don't worship a God who is only found in rituals or routines. quite the opposite. there is such freedom in that.

i can know Him in songs. in scripture. in paintings. He can speak to me through experiences. through friends. through drawings. He can express Himself however He sees fit.

i don't know Him in just one hour of my everyday, it's whenever and however He opens my eyes to see Him. i absolutely cannot put limitations on my God. He is specific to me. and in endless ways.