what do i need?

i would love to say that this first week of a beach-y place (thailand) has been great.

[this pic is for you, mimi. reminds me of your bracelets we always played with!]

but it hasn't.

my insecurities are heightened (motherhood) and my sleep is lacking.

we're in a little hotel room. no big deal. it really isn't.

[in the hallway, waiting on the kids to fall asleep.]

noah's in childcare and hates it. also not a big deal.  it's just the way i'm handling it all. it's the opposite of graceful.

i told my mom that i need a vacation away from myself. and that all i do is fail and fail and fail.

she said "ummm. that's the point, you can't do it."

there's a thought.

she ended the conversation with an "i love you and you are NOT a perfect mom and NOBODY is and that's why we need a savior."

i've been asking God why this week is so hard for me. maybe i just need to realize some things. 

i'll start with my NEED. 

at first i thought it was need for quiet time and space.

no, maybe it's sunshine.

never mind how about reading a good book.

or maybe 2 hotel rooms.

western food?

how about chats with other moms.

i had it all wrong. i need a savior. 

sounds cheesy, but it's never been more real to me.

last month

there may not have been many traditions [anyone else overwhelmed with the list of "50 new traditions to start with your family!" out there?] or family visits or christmas light sight seeing, but there were special times had with good people.

i'll start you off with a little tummy time:

[sweet angel baby is 4 months old]

followed by some forced photos:

[i swore i'd never do this ridiculous bow thing, but there it is]

[my new mama friend's son, jack. which is addie joy's new friend. love this newness.]

then there was some spend the night company:

[a friend whose roommate was out of town, so she stayed with us]

[sam gave noah this little shirt and bear for christmas]

followed by christmas day: looks a little different on this side of the world. took some getting used to, but now i feel like maybe it's the way it should be... welcoming folks in rather than pushing them out. again, i'm getting used to it. i'm definitely not some angel that bakes for hours and stands at our door welcoming people in with a permanent smile on my face.

come to think of it, i never did like that kind anyway.

i'll leave you with a little cleaning from our oldest, most rambunctious child:

so there's our december.

tuesdays

let me tell you about yang zhou (pronounced yong joe)

she's a wonderful woman. we live in the same apartment complex. she was nice enough to say "hi" to me last year. i think it started then, when she opened her heart and home to our family. i wondered how we would ever know each other beyond:

hey. 

how are you. 

what did you do today.

[at this point yang zhou told noah that he doesn't really have to get that 

close to his face for him to understand something]

now she sends me a text letting me know she'll be here soon and brings baked goodness (today it was cinnamon rolls. but minus the cinnamon. and plus black beans instead?) from her mom. we talk about this and that. i nod my head pretty much the whole time she speaks [chinese] to me. i'm sure that's probably why she's still doing that. oh, if she only knew how little i understand.

[didi, a month younger than noah]

before she left my apartment today, she said "hey, tuesdays i don't work in the morning..." she said a few sentences after that but the only part i really cared about was the first.

because i knew what it meant.

i know i can expect a knock on our door these tuesday mornings with a didi ["little brother"] bursting through the door straight for noah's toys. there'll be cries and laughs and hits and total misunderstandings [neither knows what-in-the-world the other is saying].

best of all, there'll be company.

[noah and adelaide introducing didi to "ariel", noah's mermaid love.]

it'll be our tuesdays.

prissy

i want a little priss pot for a daughter. i already think she's so girly. 

but i also heard a wise friend once say

"don't try to box them in before they've grown into who He's making them"

so how would it be fair to her to already speak what she's going to be?

only He knows, really.

but. i, without a doubt, know what she'll think of noah's devious behavior last week.

we walked out to find diapers [everywhere] right down from our balcony.

i was actually scorned today. over and over. by the sweet woman who cleans around here. all she ever used to give me was smiles. but since she knows that we've got the only kids that wear diapers, she drew her conclusions quite quickly.

amen, sister. amen.

three months old

it's cliche, i i know, but i can't believe it.

she's just so pretty and sweet. just about anyone who is around her would say the same.

the other day, noah took one of his toys and smashed it down on her head a couple of times. it was awful. she didn't cry [super surprised]. i almost did. 

after a few spankings and a time out later, noah invited her to come and sit on his couch. i was impressed and i grabbed my camera.

these next blurry ones capture their relationship well.

 somehow that little addie joy is still fascinated with her big brother. he can run at her with his mouth and arms wide open and she still loves him.

i need a few lessons from our tiny little daughter.
glad she's here all day teaching me gentleness.

date night

our neighbors / friends (beth and michael) came over last night.

they did the dishes and rocked one baby:

while being very grateful (i'm sure) that the other one:

 was fast asleep.

scott and i hopped on our scooter and drove less than 10 minutes away to a new-ish mall thingy.

we ate ice cream and walked around in the new GAP. it was surreal. i can't believe we can now buy gelato and normal american clothes just down the road.

i am grateful for last night.

pinterest: more than hair

my pinteresting this morning led me to something good.

i can just go 'round and 'round in circles on that thing. i usually just end up on some random woman's page under the "hair" section which results in me standing backwards in front of a mirror trying to braid my hair in some trendy way. every time it ends up a normal braid. how does that even happen.

so, to my surprise, i clicked on something that led to substance. 

just yesterday the words "all i want is a thank you" came out of my mouth. i asked Him to meet me there. and oh, did He. i had just pictured Him choosing for it all to come from my husband's mouth rather than the redirection of my mind in Him revealing what it was that i actually needed.

"Christ never required praise. He never asked for it. He never wanted it.

...[choose] mothering as He would. Not for praise. Not for recognition. Not for a hug, a kiss, or even a thank you. Not because I can’t stand a dirty floor or because someone coming for a visit might see the display of animalistic behavior my children can exhibit. Not for any type of compensation. 

... [choose] sweeping up crumbs because that’s what He did. With a perfect love."

i hear Him speaking to me today...

it's a choice.